If She Were Here.....

 A couple of weeks ago I pulled up ksl.com.  As I started reading the news, I came upon an article about a young Kaysville woman who had been killed in a horrible motorcycle accident while vacationing in Hawaii with her husband.  When I read her name, I just knew she had to be related to a guy I went to High School with.  It turned out that she was his wife.  I have been heartsick about the whole thing since I heard the news.  If I'm being honest, it has consumed my thoughts.  She was only 32 and they had 4 beautiful little children, all under the age of 10.  There was so much about it that was familiar and old feelings and thoughts have come to the surface.  I find myself wishing I could protect them from the pain and sorrow the future will bring with it, without her in it.

Thoughts of my Mom have been constant lately.  What would she be doing if she were here? What would she hope I would be doing for her that she can't?

With today being her Birthday, I decided last week that my gift to her this year would be to spend her Birthday with my Grandpa, because I know that is where she would be if she were here.  The remaining time my sweet little Grandpa has left here on Earth is quickly becoming evident.  He is in pain and doesn't want to eat or drink anything hardly at all anymore.  They tell us that is a sign of things to come.  Last Friday when I went to see him, I was alone in his room - just Grandpa, Austy and Me.  I helped him get his sweatshirt off and saw that his arms were super dry.  I rubbed some lotion on him and he lay there enjoying every moment of that.  His room felt sacred, and I knew we were not alone.

I woke up this morning and went to the store to buy the prettiest fall flowers I could find.  I picked some Orangy colored roses with greenery tucked around them and headed down to leave them for Mom.  I sat with my baby near her headstone and felt the warm sun on our backs - leaves falling all around us.  It was so peaceful to be there.

 After, we drove to Grandpa's again.  Grandma and I tried to get him to eat some lunch, but to no avail.  He did drink his juice for us though and then asked to go to bed.  We took him in, and got him settled.  I leaned over him and he looked me in the eyes, grabbed my hand and for the first time since we had gotten there, a full sentence came to surface....."I love you so much.  You're the greatest thing going for us." and with tears on his cheeks and mine, we just stared at each other and took it all in.  Again, his room was sacred.

Grandpa has longed for the day to see his little girl again.  I can only imagine how glorious that reunion will be.  Until then, I will stand in her place, as if she were here and help care for him until they are in each others arms again.

Happy Birthday my Beautiful, Beautiful Mother.  I miss you every day of my life, but know you are not far from where we are.  Love and kisses your way.