Trial of Our Faith.....

Just before Christmas, on the 20th of December,

I was having a little complication, so I went to the Dr. to get some medicine.

As a routine, they ran a quick test to make sure all was ok.

The Dr. left the room and was gone for what seemed like forever.

When he returned, he had a weird smile on his face as he sat down to talk with me.

"I'm not sure how to tell you this, but......

Merry Christmas and Congratulations!!  You're going to have a baby!"

After I picked my jaw up off of the floor, we both laughed!

What?!!

Travis has been saying we were done adding to our family ever since Austy was born.

I haven't ever uttered those words, because I just didn't know for sure.

We never talked much about it.

Obviously, we know how these little ones get here, but we thought we were ok,

since it usually takes us quite a while to get them here.

I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to tell Trav this news!

I drove home from the Dr.'s office in complete shock.

When I walked in the door, we had family here to visit for a few minutes.

I think Trav could tell something was up, because the second they left, 

he wanted to know how my appointment went and what the Dr. had to say.

When he heard the news, his faced looked exactly how I'm sure mine did when the Dr. told me.

Pure shock.

As the day went on, and the news settled in, excitement started to come for both of us.

I spent the next few weeks with nausea that lasted all day long,

food cravings like none other,

keeping a list of baby names in my phone when they'd come to mind,

shopping for maternity clothes and looking for blessing dresses!

Yes,......I was quite sure that because of the cravings I was having and the way I felt,

it just had to be a little girl......this pregnancy was mimicking mine with Julia.

I don't know if the Lord was prepping me for what was to come,

but for those few weeks, I quickly realized how close I was becoming to my Father in Heaven.

When we go through trial, we are at our most humble of stages.

When I went through my struggle with being diagnosed with MS, and losing 2 pregnancies in a row, 

I found myself constantly on my knees in prayer.

Never had I been closer to my Father in Heaven than during those 2 years of constant struggle.

When Austin came into our lives, my heart was quickly healed,

my body wasn't experiencing much as far as the MS was concerned,

and things seemed to be going really well for us.

Slowly, I began to spend less and less time on my knees.

Things were well, and I wasn't as in much need of help.

It's pretty safe to say that I was no longer in a major humble state and 

I pretty much coasted through each day.

Over the last month or so, it seemed that every RS or Sunday school lesson was about

our relationship with Heavenly Father and the Eternal realm of family.

Many times I found my heart beating, wanting to raise my hand and share my experiences

in life when I was most close with Heavenly Father, and those times when it's just easy to 

coast through life, not really working hard to keep that relationship strong.

I kept those thoughts in the back of my mind all through Christmas and into the New Year.

At the same time, I began to find myself more and more on my knees.

During my 8 weeks of pregnancy I pleaded several times a day, for the Lord to spare the life

of our new little baby, and more or less begged for the blessing of carrying the pregnancy to full term.

I became humble again.  Extremely humble.

As a Mother, I became quite submissive in hopes that His Will would be the same as my desire.

But, it was not meant to be.

I started having complications around the 14th of January.

Because my sweet Dr. Healy passed away just shortly after I had Austin,

I had to get a new Dr. and they were having a hard time getting me in soon enough.

But, when I started having complications, they were able to fit me in to see what was going on.

It didn't look too good. 

The baby was measuring a couple of weeks behind what I should have been,

but there was a little flicker, which was somewhat encouraging.

I was scheduled to come back a couple of days later to see if there was any progress.

I knew that morning as we headed back in to see how things were going,

that I was in the process of losing our baby.

Trav drove me there, as I cried the whole way.

It was confirmed at that appointment that my pregnancy was ending.

This is our 4th miscarriage over the course of our marriage,

and I didn't expect this loss to be as hard as the others, but it turned out that it was just as

hard and as heartbreaking as if it was the very first time.

That night, after the kids had asked Trav time and time again, what was the matter with Mom,

we sat on our bed and told them the news.

Garrett was very sweet and hugged me for quite a while.

Ty and Sis weren't quite sure what to do or how to handle the news.

They were pretty quiet.

I was devastated and couldn't keep it together, at all.

We were able to go to the cabin that weekend to get away, which helped.

It is so hard to know at this point where we go from here.

My age worries me a little, though the Dr. was completely positive and

 encouraged us to try again immediately, 

as new studies show a higher chance of a viable pregnancy soon after miscarriage.

We will make it a serious matter of prayer, 

as we decide what is best for our family at this time.

I am grateful for my relationship with my Heavenly Father and for

 the comfort he has sent these last few weeks,

and pray he continues to guide us in the direction we need to go in the months to come.