In the Winepress -

A couple years ago, I received an email from a really good friend of mine, passing along a song that her Sis.-in-law had written, entitled "Winepress." I loved it so much, I was jealous I hadn't written it myself. I saved it to listen to every so often.

I have been fighting a rotten cold the last few days, and woke up in a coughing rage at 4:30 this morning. I could not go back to sleep, so I made my way downstairs to load pics. from New Beginnings last night onto the computer. As I was loading them, I realized today's date.

Feb. 4, 2010.

My heart sank, and all the same feelings came flooding back. This very day, one year ago, we received the devastating news that we had lost our little one I was carrying. Never did I think when I was in that position last year, that I would still have empty arms today. I have had every emotion this year - anger, sadness, frustration, humility, peace, comfort, hurt, pain, etc. I have thought a lot over the year, what it is the Lord wants us to learn from this. I still hadn't figured that out......until this morning, when I was up, all alone with my thoughts and that date staring me in the face, I got a glimpse.

That's when that song popped into my head. I had the thought come to me that right now, I am in the "Winepress." I have been asking, "Why me?" When actually I should be asking, "Why not me?" None of us are exempt from trial. It seems that when I look at my trials and feel overwhelmed, I always hear or learn of someone who I realize has quite possibly suffered a greater trial than I. At times, it is hard not to compare trials to trials. Each trial we go through, is different in it's own right, and is an opportunity to bring ourselves closer to our Heavenly Father. I have learned that because we are all different, our trials are different, and that doesn't make them larger or smaller than others. Each trial is for us specifically and will teach us in different ways as well.

It's how we handle the trial that is important.

In this song, she talks about Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son, a pioneer woman losing a loved one along the way, and how the Lord didn't want to punish them, but rather he was proving their worthiness. I love the last verse:

"Your pillow is wet, and your eyes are red. How many pleas on your knees, while you
wonder if anyone's listening? Does God want to punish you and to see you cry? No, I believe our Father has a reason why. It's in the Winepress, we prove our Faith. It's in the Winepress we prove our love. Not My Will, but Thine be done. I don't understand everything, but I know God loves his children.
He's eagerly waiting to grant our dreams,
but the only way to get the wine, is to press the grapes."

I have never looked at trials as a punishment from Heavenly Father. But I have to be honest and say I have whined and I have cried, and I have felt sorry for myself at certain points in my life.....and if I'm being completely honest, some throughout this year. I truly believe though, that I haven't ever been left alone. I know that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. I know there is a plan. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. But, I am also human and question why. Today, I am making a new comittment that as I am being pressed, I will prove my Faith and my love. I will stop questioning why and I will try and look for the lessons in it all and grow from them. I only hope that the Lord will find me worthy, and when all is said and done, I will have passed this test. I'm optimistic that things will happen, I just have to be willing to let it be on the Lord's time, not mine. That's not an easy task, but necessary.

For today, a little corner of my heart is at peace, and for that, I am grateful.