Unlocking the Door to Heaven...

Sitting at the piano a few months ago, after the first diagnosis of MS had been given, thoughts of all we had been through in the last couple of years came to mind. I realized that through it all, blessings and comfort had been a part of it as well, lifting our spirits and seeing us through. I had learned so much about facing trials and relying on our Heavenly Father. Before I knew it, those thoughts formed words to a song and within just a few minutes, I had it written down. At the risk of looking like a total dork, I'm sharing this today.

There's a quiet peace that comes when I'm in need of comforting. A quiet peace that's felt when I'm on my knees in prayer. And I believe it comes from Thee, to strengthen and endure. And I believe, that's what peace is for.

There's an overwhelming love that comes, when I feel all alone. An overwhelming love that comes when I feel I can't go on. And I believe it comes from Thee to strengthen and endure. And I believe, that's what Love is for.

Father, I have felt Thee near me through my darkest hours on Earth. And I have felt Thee near me, when I'm questioning my worth. Father, I know that you're near me every step of every day. And I know that you will be there for whatever comes my way. Father, help me, to feel Thee now.

There's a joy that can't be felt unless we feel a little ache. But there is one who came and gave His life, for our pain to take. And I believe that He was sent, to help me find my way..... back to that Heavenly home from where I came. (Then back to the chorus)

So, at the time those words came, I didn't think much of it. It was fun to sit down to play and sing to myself and an empty room. However, this last week, those words took on a whole new meaning. After almost 2 years since our last loss, of trying for another little one, we finally found out we were expecting. We were thrilled! In the back of my mind however, I was scared. After a loss, it's hard to believe that it will ever truly happen again. I tried as hard as I could not to think about anything going wrong. I started looking for maternity clothes on line. Started looking at the baby isle when I'd go grocery shopping. I couldn't wait. We got in to my OB within a few days of finding out, so that we could make sure everything was ok MS wise, and baby wise. We were also needing to see him for the referral to see a Para-natalogist. My Doc. did an ultrasound last Monday and everything seemed to be headed in the right direction. Not much to see at almost 5 weeks, but what was there, was right on track. Our excitement quickly turned to fear the next day, when I started having some cramping followed by other things. I knew it wasn't good. I prayed and Trav gave me a blessing. Later, I called the Dr. and they said to just rest and try to relax. Some of these things were completely normal, but time would tell. By the next morning, things were really bad, so they got us right in. Another ultrasound confirmed that I was in the process of miscarrying this baby, and that there was a possibility it could be tubal. There was nothing they could do. During our last miscarriage and through all of the MS stuff, I truly felt close to my Father in Heaven. I have stood many times and testified that I know He lives, I know He knows and loves me personally. This time around, I have to admit, I had thoughts in my mind such as, "Why doesn't Heavenly Father love me right now?" "What am I doing wrong?" etc. I really struggled with some anger and frustration those first couple of days. One night, while Trav was out on Elder's Quorum visits, I sat back down at the piano. Without much thought, I began playing my song. This time, as I sang those words, I had a very peaceful feeling come over me. I realized that I was singing my Testimony and that that song had come at that time a few months ago, to bring comfort during this time now.

As conference came I hoped to hear words that would comfort and heal me. Funny thing is, the talks about trial or the Holy Ghost weren't the ones that had the effect. The one that hit home the hardest was President Monson's talk yesterday about having a heart full of Gratitude. He said something that hit me so hard, I hurried and wrote it down. He stated, "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it's often difficult to focus on our blessings. However, if we dig deep enough, we will realize just how much we have been given......To live with Gratitude is to touch heaven....... When we give thanks, we unlock the door to Heaven. This in turn helps us feel our Heavenly Father's Love." I had hardened my heart in the last week by focusing on everything negative in my life, rather than focusing on the blessings Heavenly Father has given me. I can only hope He will forgive me and understand my heart.

I am Eternally grateful for my sweet husband, who also tried to help me see all of our blessings this last week. I never hear him complain any time we are dealing with a setback. He is the perfect example to me. I'm so grateful again, that he was there with me, to hold my hand and let me cry. I love him with all my heart and thank the Lord every day he's in my life.

My heart is full of gratitude today, but the list is longer than this already extremely long post. I'm so thankful the Lord saw fit to answer my prayer through our dear prophet and his great council to be mindful of the blessings we have. I only pray that as I try to do so, the doors to Heaven will be opened for me to feel my Heavenly Father's love as I try my hardest to learn from this trial and keep moving on. I truly have felt him there during my darkest hours, and I know that through prayer, He will be there for us through this.